Growing Older is Manditory.....Growing Up is Optional

Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am

Irony can really be ironic sometimes

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here

You knew the job was Dangerous when you took it!

Experience is the sinking feeling that you have made this mistake before.

"Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

Arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand

May The Best Of Your Past Be The Worst Of Your Furture

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

"Just because someone agrees with you doesn't make you right. It just means there's some one else out there as stupid as you."

"Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together."

The truth is out there!! Does anyone know the URL???

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

"Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth..."

It isn't hard to sound smart when you are talking to morons

Why is that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.

Sex is like a game of cards. If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Love means never having to pay attorneys.

The problem with trying to play god, is people expect you to finish the game.

The economy is looking up. I mean, where else CAN it look?

The proper response to "Good morning" is not "Prove it!"

All people smile in the same language.

Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates... it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

The one certain thing is that there's no such thing as certainty. Change is the only constant.

If being awake is so great, why is it such a pain in the ass to wake up?

Anything is possible, as long as you hit the right combination of buttons

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Life is what you make of it...kinda like Play-Doh

One thing we have been taught over and over in school is that the use of a double negative is a no-no.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

There are more important things in life than money - but they won't go out with you if you're broke.

Procrastinators unite!...Tomorrow.

SEX is not the answer. SEX is the question and YES is the answer!!

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't a lot more people happy?

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement

The future will be better tomorrow.

You can observe a lot just by watching

Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bullshit before.

Everything is the exact opposite of nothing at all

What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.

If GOD is your co-pilot, Switch seats

Never play leap frog with a unicorn

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.